you, me and everyone we know...

Our best thoughts come from others...(RWE)

this post is from a dear friend...
once in a while...along the way, we meet people who's going thru somehwat similar to what we went thru...this person is one. I am grateful to her...for giving me the permission to publish it here. Why ? what she wrote reflected what i felt once... besides, she is a strong person.Thank you again.

hate cancer

Just wanting to make a memorable note to myself. In 5-7 years from now, this might be a bitter sweet shit that i might feel i) sad ii)frustrated iii) regretted, doing. But i know deep down i would be glad.

I heard this question once, if you have a choice, would you rather know when you are going to die or would you just dont want to know? It's a question that would never have a right or wrong answer.My father is dying. Everyone is. But he is dying sooner, or rather, it is somewhat can be calculated. My heart shattered to a zillion pieces that would sip through any fine sieves, when i knew he is fighting cancer. I know he is a fighter. And he will fight the sucker down. But i still cant imagine life without him.

I touched his frail skin, put on his socks (for the first time), wipe off blood that had accidently squirted from his needle line just now. This past days, i had done things that i had never did for him. I helped him with his ablution. I cant stop thinking this may be my only chance.It's true that people say, as cliche and as unbullshitting truth that this words of wisdom stands true, u only wish you had more time with your parents when you know you gonna lose them, no matter how much you hated them once, or how much they treated you badly, you would beg to have another day, and wipe away all the bad ones so that you can have them forever.

I feel blessed that my dad had been around always. With his watchful eyes and undettered principes. He had always instill no bullshit policy that i always try and sometimes manage to beat (and paid the consequences). I dont want this note to be about him and what he is, coz i knw that and i will always have that, and want that to remain as my memories. I just want to document this feeling that i have now, the feeling of being lost, coz i dont know if im gonna lose him soon, or if he would stay on. I wanna record this feeling of looking at my mom and knowing that she is holding on strong for my dad. The worried faces of my relatives after knowing that yes, it is cancer and yes he is dying. The bullshit that some of my relatives made due to panic/uncomprehensional stress out of knowing that someone so strong will can fell ill.

I wish sometimes god let me in on what he has planned for me.I was told by a confused boy that everything happened for a reason and there is always a silver lining. I dont know what's is there to see, if you had cancer? Where is the silver lining? I was told that it is not hereditary, it is a genetic abnomality. My aunt died of cancer, now my dad is diagnose with one. I think i'm fucked too.

I know this resentment shit is from my stress. I dont want to sugar coat my words coz i really feel like shit. i wish there is a cure. I hope ayah will stay on.Im just sad that i am still a loser and he didnt get the chance to see me be somebody yet. Im just pissed that i wished things had worked out and i can at least make him feel that he can go on in peace. Right now, i see that he has worries for me, the fact that im still single, i feel may be he worries that there is no one that will ever take care of me.

I wonder if it is good enough to let him know that i can take care of myself, despite whatever.

I was told, you can have a friend wherever you go, you can be accompanied, you can never be alone. But you will be alone once you die. But i swear i will always keep him company with my prayer. And i wont let him go. Even if right now he is still with me, i hate that he is slipping away. I just hate how i feel right now, and i hate what is happening. And i hate everything that is going on.

God. u know what's best, always. i wrote this when my dad got his diagnose (the day after i think)

    F.I

 

sigh...

p/s...I still regret for being a friend to that someone who's such a fake.....how can i be so stupid !

...of expectations & all

Scene 1

       Friend : why ! why ! why !
       Me : why what ?
       Friend : Boys ! guys ! man ! grrr....they never grow up !
       Me : errkkk ...??
       Friend : don't they have brains !
       Me : sigh *** girls...boys - all the same laaa....

Scene 2

       Me : wassup ?
       Friend : can i ask you smthg ?
       Me : shoot
       Friend : why relationships sour.. ?
       Me : errrkkkkk....
       Friend : why did he change !!! why la !!
       Me : here we go again... sigh***

This is a common conversation among friends...especially mine. there are several questions that even crossed my mind. hmm...finally, i concluded : the root problem : expectations ! It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you are in..Expectations on the part of the people in the relationship play a large part in determining the health of that relationship. Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.

 

For some common cases : In the beginning of any courtship, the guy tends to go all out and seem very persistent to get her attention. The girl on the other hand will play hard to get. She just wants to be sure of what she's getting into. Once the guy succeeds... the honeymoon period starts. after some time...it slowly fades. everyone gets busy with their lives and then problem comes in..in the form of expectations

 

Expectations are in the 'eye of the beholder'.We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. Please note : problems are not to break couples...it is actually a medium for them to work together and find a solution.

Needs must be communicated. Expectations are rarely ever communicated. Needs can be discussed. You must give careful thought to what needs must be fulfilled for you to know you have a healthy love relationship. Treat your relationship with respect. I can never accept excuses given by girls or guys who cheats. If you are in a committed relationship and for some reason you 'fall out of love'...(wo)/man up, and tell the truth. let go of the person before moving on with someone else.

 

It's only difficult if you tell yourself it's difficult. Stop giving excuses.  You are who you are and your partner is who he/she is. Don't try to change them. If you love them, accept them for who they are. Make efforts to keep your relationship alive. don't wait for them...you make the first move. When you know what you need from your relationship and can express those needs to your partner and be okay with allowing them to love you the way they can love you, you will see a shift in your relationship that goes far beyond what you ever could have imagined!

Stop expecting..Disappointment follows unfulfilled expectations. The predicaments that follow are predictable. If your relationship is not full of surprises, it is most likely very boring and may border on being unhealthy. Having healthy needs is a natural and creative attitude to embrace.

 

This was my advice to a friend last week. Love is about discovering oneself and your other half. If you think few months or years is enough...well...think again. I envy looking at older generations / couples.. my parents, my grandparents.. i long for that solidarity in a relationship. god bless them. Once we learn to identify our own individual, healthy needs, we must also learn not to be attached to the expectation of how those needs get fulfilled. This will always generate lots of surprises. That is when the adventure begins; the adventure the heart was crying for. Surprises create a sense of adventure; surprises you can enjoy together; surprises that create new and exciting possibilities for the two of you to experience. Some of the surprises may show up as challenges for the relationship. They bring couples together and give them something to share. When two people really love each other and are committed to work together, those kind of surprises create the kind of conversation that empowers both love partners to continue to self-inquire, to investigate their curiosities about what they can do to stand together, to be challenged by the surprise and know that everything is going to be okay.

 

; )

 

 

 

p/s...i am definately not a certified psychiatrist or anything ..ok. Just enjoy reading ya'll...

sacrifice

A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act - Mahatma Gandhi

This post is dedicated someone very close to my heart...someone who deserves the best of the best.. someone who is so humble in life even when she made the biggest sacrifice in life. my friends always tell me "you are good daughter".. I always correct them : nop, my sister is better...actually the best daughter any parents could get. Being the eldest, you carry a certain responsibility in life &family. Even though i am the eldest, clearly my sister held the most responsibility. She was the rock.  Regardless of being the youngest...she stood strong despite what came. I know she was very scared as I am but she did not show it. When dad was sick and I had to work in KL, she was there taking care of the family at home. Now, after completing her law degree, she willingly gave up her dream of becoming a lawyer to take care of mom. When anyone ask her why, she says mom is her life. How noble is that. She has done more than all that.

All I ask from God each passing day is to bless both mom & her ... they are my life. Willingness to give up your life, career and selflessly taking care of others requires a really BIG heart. I am fortunate and blessed to have a sister with such heart. I know I can never repay you. I know a zillion 'thank you' will never be enough. This is priceless. No matter what, please remember I am grateful.. forever. Only God can repay your kindness, love and sacrifice... I am blessed indeed. Thank you GP.

 

 

...

cool huh...

...

...shhh

remembering dad...

missing you pa...

24th Feb 1951 - 30th September 2004

 

ponder this...

A Year Older , A Year Wiser...

June 27th...it's here...reminding me - a year older, a year wiser (?). Sigh. I’ve been fortunate and blessed. I’ve been given room and a safe environment to make mistakes. Because of this, I succeed. I’ve been far from perfect, but those around me have more than made up for it (strangers and friends alike) I’ve been trusted with the opportunity to speak to others as well as speak for others and I’m thankful for that.The ultimate goal is to be more satisfied.

"Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

- Lao Tzu

So, here goes...Happy Birthday To Me :)

a tribute to my dad

It's been 8 years dad passed...and it is still hard for me to accept the fact. I dun need his birthdays & father's day to reminisce about him....but these are the extra special days when we really miss dad. It hurts everytime and breaks my heart. So...here's to dad...Happy Father's Day pa...

Life Lessons

You may have thought I didn't see,

Or that I hadn't heard,

Life lessons that you taught to me,

But I got every word.

Perhaps you thought I missed it all,

And that we'd grow apart,

But Dad, I picked up everything,

It's written on my heart.

Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be

The person I am today;

You built a strong foundation

No one can take away.

I've grown up with your values,

And I'm very glad I did;

So here's to you, dear father,

From your forever grateful kid.

 

 

(Courtesy of Joanna Fuchs)

Carpe Diem !

My recent posts talked a lot about values of friendship. Things happen in life for a reason. I know -sometimes it is  hard to accept the reality...but life goes on. Constant regrets and the feeling "if only I could turn back time" remains cluttering our mind & heart. The ones is my mind is - I should've been more careful! Cos only as time passess you will eventually come to know about people.

Now, I would like to move on... If  there's a devise I can use to erase everything - that would be great ! Unfortunately - none. Sigh ! nevermind. I have a lot more in life to ponder about than some people who is not worth my time.

hating someone is not good, i know. No matter how despise, angry or frustrated I am with someone. People will be people. I know I've done my part as a friend. The more i hold onto this pent up rage, the worse for me. I need to let peoples actions and words roll off of my back. Realize that they don't matter in my life and focus on the good things in life. True... i have some great things in life I cherish. Moving forward, I should blog about something else that matters.

God - Forgive me, bless me and please avoid me meeting this person ever!

Gotta go...time to change !

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
Marilyn Monroe

LONG LIVE MARILYN !

.

shhhh...

 

~The End~

Enough Is Enough !

u know how sometimes people tend to screw your day or your mood without even being present there...well, it has been happening to me lately.

what makes me smile is...when people say they understand & love you as a close friend,only to throw words that don't even justify the so-called-friendship. my late father always reminded his daughters- be careful with what you say to others, because it is difficult retract words. think before you say anything.

it is so easy for someone to accuse you of  belittling them, being coward and so on. it hurts when this someone claims you are their close friend. well, news flash, it does not seem so. i am a firm believer that in friendship you don't judge. you accept them as who they are.

i dun tell my friends how to act in any situation. as a friend, i will be there, i listen, i advice, i share, i feel but never judge. how you react to smthg or what you decide, is solely your choice. as a friend i can learn to adapt or understand but not accuse just because it is done not according to my rule. Well, that's me.

Why is being silent so wrong ? How sure are you talking or arguing will not make thing worst ? Sometimes people resort being silent to avoid confrontation or arguements. just let them be. Praise david tyson who said "True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable". obviously none here.

Fine, once confronted and things are going well.. who screws it up again. For the first time, i am being called lame & hiding behind my work. Mind you - it's from the same person who 'loves' me as a friend. Like I said...I will not judge. The moment this 'friend' listed all my flaws, i understood clearly. i am no prime minister or the secretary general but does that make my life or job less important. well it was my mistake because i tot u'd understand as my friend...my bad. bottom line, i dun have to justify to those who dun even care to understand. what hurt the most was when someone without properly asking you lash out at you with sentences like "you think we are a phone company"? seriously ?? you ? my close friend ? yeah rite !

we have a tendency to think that our way of seeing the world is accurate or ‘correct.’ However, there are many different types of people, all with a different way of seeing things.Sometimes you are going to meet individuals with a very different way of looking at things, so much so, perhaps, that you can hardly agree about anything at all. The key here is to genuinely try to put yourself in the other person’s position and try to see the world as he does.

fine with me..as long as i have conscience & i know that i have treated them right. only God knows. i dun know about others but let me make it clear here - i am not showing off or hiding behind my blog posts. what i say reflect what i am. i've had enough...find a friend that suits your standards. God bless! Adios ! Period !

sigh

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude.

It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

*sigh*

Who you are - JJ

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are

Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no
Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

But tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
There's nothing wrong with who you are

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like boom
Just go and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night
With a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Saying nothing...sometimes says the most

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.There are times when silence has the loudest voice...

I never set standards for my friends. They are who they are. I dun expect them to be like me. They are who they are and I am who I am. When you happen to meet a friend who shares your ups and downs, thru good and bad then you're considered lucky. I think it is easy being a friend (for me at least) because all you have to do is be yourself.

Recently I learned a lesson. Being close friends all I expected was a friend to whom I can pour my heart to. Someone who will hear me out. Well, foolish of me to think so...  Work is work, friend is friend ! Well...like I said...I learned my lesson. One day you think you found a person who knows you so well, and the next you get snapped.. and I realize there always exist that thin line. Words hurt more than anything else can, because they last, sometimes forever...Even if I try, I don't think I can ever share or be the person I used be.

Me being me...I have this bad habit. When smthg hurts me, I resolve into being silent in my own world. Even now, I think it is best I live in a world of my own. I don't blame anyone...I am sorry if this hurts them. It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not..

it is true...saying nothing...sometimes says the most :)

....

Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.

-Erich Fromm

Is there ever a time to say, "Enough! No more Ms. Nice"

Ever had a situation where you are being neglectful to yourself (or your family) by tending to the whims of fussy and selfish person?

We define a nice person as someone who cares about others and is sensitive to their feelings. Sometimes we are brought up in such a way. We've all met these sorts of individuals in our lifetime. Some are (rarely)selfless, seeing beyond their own wishes and putting the needs of others before their own... and some selfish hardcore creatures.

Being brought up by such wonderful parents, I am one of those who grew up putting the needs of others before my own. I trained myself to put myself if the shoes of others and along the way i realized it caused me more hurt than contentment.

Many times I was told un-nice behaviour is the best response. Like the saying "with a sly person, be sly. It angers me seeing people who can't see beyond the little circle of their ego, resulting me to question myself if being nice the correct approach or will a more stern method ultimately achieve more greater good?

How do you draw the line?

Maybe the answer lies in evaluating our motives.

Asking, why be nice? Is it the right way to approach life? Or just for the sake of being thought of as a nice person? Perhaps the key is developing an inner strength.

Some of the most self-centered people look strong on the outside, but are weak within, completely incapable of overcoming their personal biases and whims. While some of the nicest, kindest people may seem weak on the outside but have the steely determination within—to do the right thing. Whether that means saying an accommodating, sweet "yes" (in most cases) or an unkind, stiff "no." Not because they are affected by how others will view them. But by how their Creator does.

I prefer the latter.

What do YOU think? When is it time to stop being nice?

remembering appa...

Feb 24th - every year we used to celebrate appa's b-day..till we lost him forever in 2004. It still hurts. They say memories are golden, well maybe that is true. I never wanted memories, I only wanted YOU. A million times I've needed you, a million times I've cried. If love alone would of saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still. In my heart you hold a piece, that no one could ever fill. Remembering you is easy Dad, I do it every day...and missing you is something that will never go away. You will never be forgotten, A hallow place in my heart is where you will always stay. I love you pa...& I miss you more each day.

A beautiful memory, dearer than gold,
Of a father whose worth can never be told,
There's a place in my heart no one can fill,
I miss you, Dad, and always will.

His nature was loving and giving,
His heart was made of pure gold,
And to us who truly love him,
His memory will never grow old

 We have lost. Heaven has gained,
The most wonderful Dad this world contained,
There's just one thing makes me glad,
God chose you to be my Dad....

We miss his smile, his kindly ways,
With him we spent all happy days;
On him we always could depend.
If only he were here today
Then this to him we could say,
God bless you, Dad, on your birthday.

Missing you pa....always & forever...

As I Walk Through Life...

I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
that you should always leave
loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your
attitude or it controls you.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my friends and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be
angry, but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the
way you want them to doesn't mean they
don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once
in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to
be forgiven by others,
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't
mean they don't love each other.

I've learned-
that two people can look at
the exact same thing
and see something totally different.


Emily Adams

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves

your arms too full to embrace the present.

~ Jan Glidewell ~