this post is from a dear friend...
once in a while...along the way, we meet people who's going thru somehwat similar to what we went thru...this person is one. I am grateful to her...for giving me the permission to publish it here. Why ? what she wrote reflected what i felt once... besides, she is a strong person.Thank you again.
hate cancer
Just wanting to make a memorable note to myself. In 5-7
years from now, this might be a bitter sweet shit that i might feel i) sad
ii)frustrated iii) regretted, doing. But i know deep down i would be glad.
I heard this question once, if you have a choice, would you
rather know when you are going to die or would you just dont want to know? It's
a question that would never have a right or wrong answer.My father is dying. Everyone is. But he is dying sooner, or
rather, it is somewhat can be calculated. My heart shattered to a zillion
pieces that would sip through any fine sieves, when i knew he is fighting
cancer. I know he is a fighter. And he will fight the sucker down. But i still
cant imagine life without him.
I touched his frail skin, put on his socks (for the first
time), wipe off blood that had accidently squirted from his needle line just
now. This past days, i had done things that i had never did for him. I helped
him with his ablution. I cant stop thinking this may be my only chance.It's true that people say, as cliche and as unbullshitting
truth that this words of wisdom stands true, u only wish you had more time with
your parents when you know you gonna lose them, no matter how much you hated
them once, or how much they treated you badly, you would beg to have another
day, and wipe away all the bad ones so that you can have them forever.
I feel blessed that my dad had been around always. With his
watchful eyes and undettered principes. He had always instill no bullshit
policy that i always try and sometimes manage to beat (and paid the consequences).
I dont want this note to be about him and what he is, coz i knw that and i will
always have that, and want that to remain as my memories. I just want to
document this feeling that i have now, the feeling of being lost, coz i dont
know if im gonna lose him soon, or if he would stay on. I wanna record this
feeling of looking at my mom and knowing that she is holding on strong for my
dad. The worried faces of my relatives after knowing that yes, it is cancer and
yes he is dying. The bullshit that some of my relatives made due to
panic/uncomprehensional stress out of knowing that someone so strong will can
fell ill.
I wish sometimes god let me in on what he has planned for
me.I was told by a confused boy that everything happened for a
reason and there is always a silver lining. I dont know what's is there to see,
if you had cancer? Where is the silver lining? I was told that it is not hereditary, it is a genetic
abnomality. My aunt died of cancer, now my dad is diagnose with one. I
think i'm fucked too.
I know this resentment shit is from my stress. I dont want
to sugar coat my words coz i really feel like shit. i wish there is a cure. I
hope ayah will stay on.Im just sad that i am still a loser and he didnt get the
chance to see me be somebody yet. Im just pissed that i wished things had
worked out and i can at least make him feel that he can go on in peace. Right
now, i see that he has worries for me, the fact that im still single, i feel
may be he worries that there is no one that will ever take care of me.
I wonder if it is good enough to let him know that i can
take care of myself, despite whatever.
I was told, you can have a friend wherever you go, you can
be accompanied, you can never be alone. But you will be alone once you die. But
i swear i will always keep him company with my prayer. And i wont let him go. Even if right now he is still with me, i hate that he is
slipping away. I just hate how i feel right now, and i hate what is happening.
And i hate everything that is going on.
God. u know what's best, always. i wrote this when my dad got his diagnose (the day after i
think)
F.I
